A year older

When it was my 25th birthday I was excited.  I could not contain the joy that somehow getting older would bring. I am not sure how I came to the conclusion then that becoming older was the elixir or fountain of knowledge of life.

As I hit 26 and 27 the anticipation was building. Another milestone I said to myself the great 30 is about to beckon.  Interestingly 30 came and it was as though nothing happened.  I think a lot of these myths about hitting the 30 is soo overrated. (At least in my opinion) it’s just a day you realise you are no longer young. And then the questions start coming , what have I done? What are my achievements?

So when your birthday comes after the 30 mark. It’s a blur. I woke up last night thanking God , and generally being greatful. That was as good as it was for me.  I have so much on my mind and I have less than for celebrations.

A colleague says a prayer that I should be married by the end of the year. I am not even sure what that means. I take no offence however at his words.  I have come to accept that our ideologies and priorities vary and to be more accepting of these views. Even if inwardly I want to push people over the cliff. ( I really should stop saying this)

How do you explain to your colleague that you have a fundamental challenge with the institution as it currently stands? that unless and until there is a clear cut conviction you will not be going in that route? My bestie says it’s fear talking.  She may be right.

I look back at all my years and I am most greatful for family, for the love and support of my immediate and extended family. I am not the best of siblings and I well……

I am happy for the friends that have stayed. The ones who I don’t keep in touch with but still love me as I am. I am greatful to God for life. Yes I don’t have all I want, but the fact I live and breathe is more then enough to be thankful.  So thanks to a God whose mercies I am sure I have abused and taken for granted too many times. (I will do better)

My bestie says fear is something I have to overcome.  I totally concur so in the spirit of facing those fears I will learn to “come out” from behind the curtains and drop my social awkwardness . I  will  worrying how everything will unfold.  I choose to be bolder less bothered about what anyone thinks.   I want to live, laugh, play, cry, worship, fight.

I want to live and not just exist to walk away from norms and conventions to truly embrace the freedom that I should. 

I want to walk away from a career that is a constant reminder of how much I don’t measure up in it. ( I love my profession I truly do), it sadly has not brought as much joy as it should. I have given four years.  I don’t have any more years to give.

I was made for more. I can’t be put in a box. I will not be contained by fear of failing. 

I would be here God willing next year and this time it would be how I embraced my fears and fought them in the face.


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